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malaine
Global Moderator
Saint Barthelemy
6003 Posts |
Posted - 19/07/2006 : 2:56:35 PM
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| hahaha! mag donate ka kasi tinne para dagdagan pa ni kamot ang ngiti nya |
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�Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.�
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bebe_gurl
Global Moderator
Christmas Island
4520 Posts |
Posted - 21/07/2006 : 4:12:12 PM
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| nakafix n yang ngiti ni kamot sa muka nia... |
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http://thecamwhore.blogspot.com |
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see-j
Diamond Star
China
447 Posts |
Posted - 24/07/2006 : 11:39:49 AM
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hahaha, permanent na ngiti ba!
pag ikaw yen nangiliti sa kanya, malamang mag-iiba na ngiti nyan |
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kamot
Global Moderator
173 Posts |
Posted - 26/07/2006 : 05:03:59 AM
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Ghost
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A psychologist is speaking at a paranormal conference and asks her audience if anyone has ever seen a ghost. About 25% of those in attendance raise there hands. She then asks if anyone has ever been able to communicate with a ghost. This time fewer people respond. Her next question is whether anyone has had physical contact with a ghost, only 3 hands rise. Finally, the speaker asks if anyone has ever had a sexual experience with a ghost. The psychologist looks around the audience and at first, sees no response. Then in the back of the room a man slowly and shyly raises his hand. The speaker excitedly asks the man to come to the stage. In all of her presentations she has never had a person respond positively to this final question. She asks the man if he can tell a little of his experience. The man stands nervously at the podium saying nothing. Finally, the speaker again asks the man to tell of his experience with the ghost. The man, surprised, turns to the psychologist and said I'm sorry, I thought you said goat. |
      
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kamot
Global Moderator
173 Posts |
Posted - 26/07/2006 : 05:09:15 AM
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Women joke
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A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake. |
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malaine
Global Moderator
Saint Barthelemy
6003 Posts |
Posted - 26/07/2006 : 10:08:49 AM
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HAHHAHA!
For the Department of Lowered Expectations: During a road trip I stopped in a small town to grab a bite to eat. I walked into a local pizza place and the first thing I noticed was a sign on the wall advising: "Price. Quality. Service. Pick Any Two." |
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�Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.�
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ioj
Global Moderator
Qatar
697 Posts |
 Posted - 26/07/2006 : 12:54:21 PM
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THE NURSING HOME POLICE
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he
shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper, and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird
Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof
of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held
it up to him.
Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy
Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable
erection.
Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!" |
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malaine
Global Moderator
Saint Barthelemy
6003 Posts |
Posted - 29/07/2006 : 4:18:39 PM
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| hahhahha |
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�Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.�
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ioj
Global Moderator
Qatar
697 Posts |
Posted - 07/08/2006 : 08:36:52 AM
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tawa naman diyan....
Minamahal kong anak,
Medyo mabagal akong mag type ngayon dahil alam kong mabagal kang magbasa.
Nandito na kami sa probinsya para tirahan ang bagong bili na bahay. Pero
hindi ko maibigay sa iyo ang address dahil dinala ng dating nakatira ang
number para daw hindi na sila magpapalit ng address.
Maganda ang lugar na ito at malayo sa Manila. Dalawang beses lang umulan sa
linggong ito, tatlong araw noong una at apat na araw noong pangalawa.
Nakakainis lang ang mga paninda dito katulad nung nabili ko na shampoo,
ayaw bumula. Nakasulat FOR DRY HAIR kaya hindi ko binabasa ang buhok ko pag
ginagamit ko. Mamaya ay ibabalik ko sa tindahan at magrereklamo ako.
Noong isang araw naman ay hindi ako makapasok sa bahay dahil ayaw bumukas
ng padlock. Nakasulat kasi ay YALE, eh aba namalat na ako sa kasisigaw ay
hindi pa din bumubukas. Magrereklamo din ako sa nagbenta ng bahay, akala
nila hindi ko alam na SIGAW ang tagalog ng YALE, wise yata ito!
Mayroon nga pala akong nabili na magandang jacket at tiyak na magugustuhan
mo. Ipinadala ko na sa iyo sa dahil medyo mahal daw dahil mabigat ang mga
botones kaya ang ginawa ko ay tinanggal ko na lang ang mga botones at
inilagay ko na lang sa bulsa ng jacket. Ikabit mo na lang pag dating diyan.
Nagpadala rin ako ng tseke para sa mga nasalanta ng bagyo, hindi ko na
pinirmahan dahil gusto ko na maging anonymous donor.
Ang kapatid mo palang si Jhun ay may trabaho na dito, mayroon siyang 500 na
tao na under sa kanya. Nag-gugupit siya ngayon ng damo sa memorial park,
okey naman ang kita above minimum ang sahod. Nakapanganak na rin pala ang
ate baby mo, hindi ko pa alam kung babae o lalake kaya hindi ko pa masasabi
na kung ikaw ay bagong uncle or auntie.
Isa pa nga pala, babalik ako diyan sa Oktubre pero naguguluhan ako. Di ba
yung Victory Liner, BLTB Liner, Pascual Liner at Alfonso Liner ay mga
pampasaherong bus. Yung Panty Liner, bus din ba yun? Saan ba ang Terminal
nila?
At saka nga pala, me nag-interview sa akin diyan at nakalimutan kong
banggitin sa iyo taga Magandang Umaga Bayan daw siya at nakunan ako sa TV
ang tanong sa akin ay ano raw sa salitang english ang Kulangot. Di ko
nasagot... ikaw anak, alam mo?
Wala na akong masyadong balita. Sumulat ka na lang ng madalas ha.
Love,
Tatay
P.S. Maglalagay sana ako ng pera kaya lang ay naisara ko na ang envelope.
Next time na lang ha.
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malaine
Global Moderator
Saint Barthelemy
6003 Posts |
Posted - 07/08/2006 : 11:26:19 AM
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Madre: Father, tell your seminarian not to urinate along the fence...
Father: Sister naman, maliit na bagay lang papansinin mo pa...
Madre: No Malalaki, Father.. Malalaki!
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Pedro bumps a foreigner
Pedro: ay sori
Foreigner: sorry too
Pedro: sori 3
Foreigner: what are you sorry for?
Pedro: (kala mo bobo ako ha!) sori 5
Foreigner: i think you are sick!
Pedro: hahahaha! sick daw, seven sunod!
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GF: I'm warning you! darating na si daddy within 1 hour!
BF: Eh ano ngayon? eh wala naman tayong ginagawang masama ah!
GF: Kaya nga! kung may plano ka, DALIAN MO NA!! Wink
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Nun: I was raped... what shall i do?
Mother Superior: Hir, take this calamansi.
Nun: wil ds ease d pain?
Mother Superior: sipsipin mo! ng mawala ngiti sa mukha mo.
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Nay? bakit po VICTORIA ang name ni ate?
Kasi anak dun namin siya ginawa ng itay mo...
Eh bakit si kuya, ANITO?
Ay, tumigil ka na nga Luneta at baka mapalo kita! tawagin mo na si kuya FX mo!
_____
Ama: Buntis anak ko, panagutan mo!
BF: May asawa na po ako!
Ama: Pano 'to?
BF: Areglo na lang po... 2 M pag Boy, 2.5M pag Girl
Ama: Ok, pero pag nakunan. GIB HER ANADER CHANS ha?
_____
Misis: lolokohin ko mister ko, magpapanggap ako na prosti dito sa kanto namin (dumaan ang mister nya...)
Misis: Pogi! available ako ngayon, pwede ka ba?
Mister: Yoko sayo kamukha mo misis ko!Hurmph
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Maid: Sir sinong mas yummy? si mam ba o ako?
Sir: Syempre naman ikaw day! bakit?
Maid: Naguguluhan lang po kasi ako eh... sabi kasi ng driver, eh mas yummy daw talaga si mam!
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Wife: Dear, ano regalo mo sa 25th Anniversary natin?
Husband: Dalhin kita sa Africa...
Wife: Wow! How sweet naman... eh! sa 50th Anniversary natin?
Husband: Susunduin na kita!
_____
Ellen: eto nga ung joke: sa story of adam and eve... sbi ng ibang lahi...
definitely daw hindi pinoy si eba at adan...dahil kung pinoy daw, hindi nun
kakainin ung apple...ahas daw ang kakainin ng pinoy!
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BUS HINOLDAP!
Holdaper: re-reypin ko lahat ng babae dito!
Prosti: ako na lang po, maawa kayo sa iba..
Lola: Sinabi na ngang LAHAT eh! sasagot pa! gagang 'to!
_____
Dalawang probinsyano sumakay sa elevator
Gorio: magkano ibabayad natin?
Andoy: tanga! inosente! bugok! stupid! bat ka magbabayad eh wala
pa tayong tiket!
_____
Pedro: Pare bakit malungkot ka?
Juan: Asawa ko nag hire ng driver, Gwapo, Bata, Macho!
Pedro: Nagseselos ka?
Juan: Nagtataka lang ako kasi wala kaming sasakyan!
_____
Women are physically stronger than men...
Why?
Because women can carry two mountains at a time!
while men can carry only two eggs...
Take Note!
with the help of a bird pa!
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Alam mo ba kung bakit may sabaw ang balot?
Kung Ikaw kaya ang ikulong sa shell... saan ka ji-jingle?
Aber?
Saan??
Sumagot kaaaa!!!
SaaaAANNNNNNN ?!?!?! Angry
_____
Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na, "ano ang plano
mong itanim sa sakahan mo anak?"
Anak: flowers papa! lots of Bongacious Flowers!!Big Smile
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Ama: Hoy! Huwag kang babakla bakla ha?
Anak: Hindi po Itay, pupunta nga ako ng basketbolan eh!
Ama: Yan! Astig!
Anak: Inay? nakita mo yung POMPOMS ko?
Ina: Alin? yung pink?
_____
Misis: " Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa mister ko kasi dinala
Niya ang limang anak namin."
Radio Host: " Ok, go ahead!"
Misis: " Honey, ibalik mo na ang mga bata, isa lang naman ang sa
Iyo diyan!"
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WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL",
Kaya ito uwi agad ako.
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Sino mas kawawa? yung taong iniwan ng mahal nya?
o mga taong nagmamahal ng walang gusto sa kanya?
pareho lang di ba?
pero mas kawawa yung taong...
bihis na bihis na tapos...
hindi naman pala kasama !?!
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Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!
_____
Two nurses on duty...
Nurse 1: Hoy! Gaga, bakit may thermometer sa tenga mo!
Nurse 2: Ha? susmaryosep! kaninong pwet ko kaya naiwan yung ballpen
ko!!
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�Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.�
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ioj
Global Moderator
Qatar
697 Posts |
Posted - 19/09/2006 : 8:12:46 PM
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Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
**********
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
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Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
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What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
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Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
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Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
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Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got heart attack & our driver ran away.
**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
**********
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son,
that's confidential!
**********
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we
should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints... |
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malaine
Global Moderator
Saint Barthelemy
6003 Posts |
Posted - 20/09/2006 : 5:44:42 PM
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| hahhhahhahah! |
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
�Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.�
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`sparco
Superstar
Canada
1934 Posts |
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ioj
Global Moderator
Qatar
697 Posts |
Posted - 05/11/2006 : 4:40:49 PM
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Boy: Ipapasok ko na ha?
Girl: Dahan-dahan lang ha!
Boy: ako ang bahala!
Girl: aahhh...ang sarap
Boy: ididiin ko pa!
Girl: oo sige...ikot-ikutin mo rin...aaahhhhh
Boy: ayan malinis na! kabilang tenga naman |
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kamot
Global Moderator
173 Posts |
Posted - 08/11/2006 : 6:53:20 PM
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Daddy: Anak pakibili mo nga ako ng softdrinks
Anak: coke o pepsi?
Daddy: coke
Anak: diet o regular?
Daddy: regular
Anak: nasa bote o can?
Daddy: bote
Anak: 8oz o litro?
Daddy: tangna mo! ibili mo na lang ako ng tubig
Anak: mineral o natural?
Daddy: mineral
Anak: malamig o hindi?
Daddy: tang ina ka!! hampasin na kita ng walis
Anak: tambo o tingting?
Daddy: hayop kang bata ka!!
Anak: baboy o aso?
Daddy: Tangna ka!! papatayin na kita
Anak: baril o kutsilyo?
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Joke Time!!!
